The Meandering Mind

Tag: writing

  • Want vs. Ought: Discovering Life’s True Path

    When we are kids, we often dream of what our futures will hold. We dream of being doctors, police officers, race car drivers, all of what we as children consider the coolest and best jobs. As we grow older, we gain experience in life what we want to do tends to change. I personally still struggle with what I want to do with my life. For years I have always gone back and forth from one crazy idea to another, believing that I was destined for something great, but not long after beginning to attempt to pursue these great things I come across roadblocks. I struggle to find my personal drive to continue pursuing these things. It is almost maddening.

    So, I did what came easy to me which was being a mechanic and fabricator. I love fixing mechanical things as well as welding and creating things. I started learning how to weld when I was in middle school, and throughout my life have learned most of the various welding processes. I managed to find a job working on semi-trucks and trailers. Over the course of thirteen years I was able to learn everything from federally required testing on tanker trailers to repairing the engines of the trucks. Having the ability to repair everything involved with semi-trucks from the engines, brakes, product pumps, hydraulic systems, electrical, and pneumatic systems. Having such a large understanding of all systems on a semi-truck made it very easy to find work. Over time I have lost my drive, I lost the love for it. Part of it has to be because it seems like no matter how fast you finish something it is not fast enough. The customers you deal with have a tendency to want everything done yesterday, and for as cheap as possible. When you go as cheap as possible with repairs they generally don’t last very long, and that is when the customer comes back mad. At that point the customer no longer wants to pay for the repairs, they want it done right and they want the mechanic or the shop to cover the cost. Over the years that really began to weigh on me, it makes me feel as if I’m not a good mechanic. I have worked with many mechanics that are still turning wrenches in their sixties and seventies due to the fact there is not much opportunity for mechanics to move up in to management positions or other positions where you are valued more for what you know than what you can physically accomplish. Yes, before someone comes after me, there are companies that are good about promoting mechanics to these positions, but these companies are hard to get into and you need to work there for many years. This is just my experience. Once I got to a point where I dreaded going to work at any shop, I knew I needed to find a new path.

    The path I decided to take was going to college. So here I am at thirty-eight years old a freshman in college pursing a degree in philosophy. The reason why I chose to major in philosophy is because throughout my life when I am struggling to find my place in the world I turned to reading philosophy. I feel there is so much useful information provided in so many philosophical writings. It is almost calming for me. The first philosophy book I ever picked up was “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius. Once I started reading it, I could not put it down. I started highlighting passages as well as taking notes on different parts that I found. I started journaling and trying to actually apply the things that I read about. Now that I am in college, I have developed a mentor/mentee relationship with my philosophy professor. The other day I asked if it would be possible for us to meet up and talk. As our conversation progressed it eventually led to me mentioning how I don’t know what I want to do with my life. That is when my professor hit me with a statement that started to make the lightbulb in my brain flicker. He said that I need to stop trying to think of what I want to do and instead be asking myself what I ought to do with my life. This is the type of statement that is so profound it could only come from a philosopher.

    You may be asking yourself what the difference between what you want to do and what you ought to do. Well, you are not alone because I found myself asking the same question. Like most people these days I turned to Google to help me figure it out. “Want” implies a desire or a wish; that makes sense because you “want” to be healthy. “Ought to” expresses a sense of moral obligation; we ought to be empathetic to others. Now that clarifies what the difference is between the two but leaves the question what my moral obligation to the world is. Moral obligation is often referred to as a duty when you read different philosophies. In Christianity these duties would be the ten commandments. If you follow Aristotle’s teachings from Nicomachean Ethics your duty is to live a virtuous life. According to Aristotle the way to that is thru what is referred to as the “golden mean”. The “golden mean” refers to finding excellence in the middle between deficiency and excess. To find the mean between deficiency and excess, in my opinion, requires experience.

    If my moral obligation is to learn philosophy inside and out, what can I do with that? According to my mentor there is a place for philosophy majors in every profession. The thing about philosophy is that it teaches you more of how to think not what to think. It gives you the skill to look at the world in a very different light. My hope is that as I continue through my education, I can find the drive to excel in all of my classes and not just philosophy. That means I need to dig deep and find the drive to push through all of the moments I don’t want to do anything. As someone who has always struggled with ADHD it gets very difficult to stay focused and push through some of my moods. Since I really enjoy writing, and I seem to have a passion for philosophy is a combination of the two my moral obligation? I guess as of right now only time will tell, and I hope that if writing and philosophy are what I am supposed to be pursuing I will receive some sign from the universe. If you have taken the time to completely read this thank you. I know in today’s world everyone is very busy trying to make it, so everyone who takes the time out of their day for this I really do appreciate you.

  • Norse Myths and Legends: A Budget-Friendly Read

    Recently, as I was perusing through Barnes & Nobels, I came across a book about Norse Mythology and Legends. The book is beautifully bound in a hardcover with fancy designs on the edges of the pages, immediately I was attracted to it. Once I picked it up, I saw the discounted price tag. Only twelve dollars! I had to get it.

    As soon as I got back to the house, I began reading it, I was extremely excited. The fact that the book is so beautifully decorated, on the back it says it is a retelling of the sagas and myths, so I knew it could not be an in-depth type of book. By the end of the first chapter, it was clear that it was going to be essentially summaries of the sagas and mythology.

    I read the book in its entirety, and I must say for what it is, it was well worth the twelve dollars. It was the type of book that gives you just enough to make you want to continue learning about it. I feel this is what makes the book good. Not everything has to be in-depth or fully reproduced, sometimes it is nice to be able to just get a brief version of things. This allows a person to start to gain understanding without having to go all in on something.

    If you are interested in reading this book it is titled “Norse Myths and Legends, Tales and Sagas of the Gods & Heroes”. While there is no author listed on the cover and title page, there is a reference to a Mrs. Emilie Kip Baker in the introduction. According to the introduction, Mrs. Baker published a few volumes of re-told myths and legends with the goal of making the stories accessible to a wider audience. There it also references that this collection was first published in 1914 as “Stories from Northern Myths”.

  • What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

    As someone who has personally struggled with mental health issues for a long time, I am rather glad I came across this writing prompt question. I have tried many different forms of therapy, treatments, and medications, as well as explored various coping skills. I am going to cover some that I have learned about over the years, as well as explain what I like about them. Just a reminder, that this is all just my thoughts and experiences, individual results and experiences may vary.

    Journaling

    My top way to cope with negative feelings and thoughts is journaling. There are many videos on YouTube that talk about different ways to do it, but the number one way to journal is to just do it. When I first started journaling, I was lost in depression and anxiety desperately wanting some kind of release for the pain that I was feeling. My therapist at the time suggested I try it; I was skeptical and couldn’t comprehend how writing down what I was feeling would help me. I asked him what I am supposed to write about, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “whatever you want to”. Being in the state of mind that I was at the time I essentially scoffed at him and told him how ridiculous it sounded. If I sit down and write about my problems and how I am feeling it is just going to make it worse, and on top of that I am just going to waste time that I could be using for something to improve my life. I needed more direction. I wanted him to tell me the magic things I needed to write. But to my dismay he just kept telling me to write about anything.

    Leaving my therapist’s office, I kept thinking to myself how stupid it sounds to just sit and write about anything and how that’s going to magically make me feel better. But I was willing to give it a try, and on my way home I swung by the store and bought a journal as well as a pack of pens. The first step was complete. I am not saying you should go out and buy a special notebook and special pens just to start journaling. You can start with any writing utensil and paper. The first few times I wrote in my journal I merely wrote how dumb I think it is, what I am upset about, and how I don’t see the way writing about it is going to help. Yet day after day I kept adding to it. Then one day I realized that I had just written four pages. I started with how I was feeling. Then what thoughts I was having about the way I was feeling. What had happened that day to trigger these thoughts and feelings. What I could have done differently, and lastly that it was normal for me to feel the way I was feeling and reminded myself that tomorrow is always a new day.

    Now all of these years later I love to journal. Somedays I will only sit down at the end of the day and write about things I did that day, or merely just write that it was a good day. I am human, on occasion over the years I have gone days, weeks, and at one point months without journaling. I find myself “slipping” emotionally when I haven’t been journaling. It’s almost like I begin reverting back to having the inability to cope with regular everyday stressors. These days I find myself journaling about everything, and after watching a YouTube video about journaling like a philosopher I now have two active journals. The first one goes with me everywhere. It is the one that I write down my to-do list for every day and make notes about things I need to remember. I write down quotes I hear, random thoughts that cross my mind, and even things people recommend I check out. The other is the one that I write in nightly to reflect on my day, record different things that stand out to me, and share my deepest thoughts and feelings. The first one has things in it that if others saw I would not be bothered, but the second has all the things that I have no intentions of ever showing another person and hope another person never reads it. Not because there is anything troublesome in it, but because it is my inner most thoughts and feelings. It is a safe space to vent, that is its whole purpose.

    Journaling is the first way to cope that I wanted to cover because in my opinion it is the most effective. I feel it is the most effective because I can go back and read where I have been in life. I can easily reflect and see just how much I have grown. The more I read my own journal entries and think back through those issues, reading about what I did after and how it helped or didn’t help allows me to really learn from my past without relying on just mental memories that can be distorted. Then I am able to remember how I coped in situations when they arise again. Thats why I think journaling is the best, when used properly it can facilitate tremendous growth in a short period of time.

    Meditation

    My second favorite coping skill is meditation. I know what you are thinking, “ugh. how is sitting in silence supposed to help you cope?” Well firstly you don’t have to be sitting in silence to meditate. Secondly it doesn’t even require you to be sitting. Meditation at its root is just the practice of controlling your own mind.

    In the world today most people are bombarded with stimulation from the second they wake up in the morning until they shut their eyes at night. Then, if they are like me, Sir David Attenborough continues narrating life on the African plains until Netflix gets tired of asking “Are you still watching?” All of the constant stimulation cannot be good for our mental health, I am not sure if there have been studies on this or not. While the answer is more than likely just a Google search away, I will leave confirming that for another time. Maybe I will do a more in-depth article on the effects of meditation. Any ways back on track, sorry ADHD moment there.

    Being bombarded with so much stimulus doesn’t give me much time to truly process my thoughts and emotions. All day long my mind is constantly jumping from thought to thought, my emotions go back and forth. The smallest things can trigger an avalanche of emotion. I struggled to stop it for a long time, I felt I had no control over my thoughts and emotions. Meditation is practicing controlling your thoughts, once I learned to control my thoughts better the ability to control my emotions began to follow. I am not sure if this is something everyone who meditates experiences or if it was just my experience.

    I tried meditating for a while before I finally figured out the way that worked best for me. Starting out I was taking a pillow and setting it on the ground, sitting on top of it while crossing my legs, and then not think about anything. That just did not work for me, number one I have destroyed my body over the years and sitting in that position starts to hurt fast, and number two the silence would cause me more anxiety at that time. Normally that would have been enough for me to just give it up, but I wanted it to be something that worked for me. In my mind I had to just be doing it wrong, I had heard of so many people saying how they benefited from it, then you have religions like Buddhism that almost entirely center around meditation.

    Years ago, I came across a video on YouTube of an interview with a Monk named Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche (See video here). The way he describes giving “Monkey Mind” a job just clicked with me. I don’t need to stop my thoughts; I just need to redirect them. So that was one problem I had with mediation solved, but what about the anxiety caused by sitting in silence?

    Well, that is another problem that was solved by the great YouTube. Singing bowls. Yes, you read that right, singing bowls. Used by Buddhist during their meditation the bowls depending on size and material emit different frequencies of sounds. The different frequencies are supposed to have various benefits. Meditating with these various frequencies solved the issue of silence induced anxiety. Over time of meditating with YouTube videos of these different frequencies playing I began to learn to meditate in any noise. Now when I feel myself needing to cope with some unexpected stress or emotion I can stop, briefly meditate and refocus, then carry on. I still find myself every couple of weeks needing to sit and meditate with the singing bowls playing in the background. But that’s just proof every now and then it doesn’t hurt to go back to the basics.

    Hobbies

    A big part of being able to cope with negative feelings for me is my hobbies. I often find my negative feelings stemming from a feeling of lack of control over my own life. I start to feel like I am doing things because I have to, my hobbies stop those feelings. For the past decade I have been teaching myself to play the guitar. Can I play you a song you know? No. Can I tell you all of the notes in the pentatonic scale? Also no. I am not even sure if I spelled pentatonic correctly, but spell-check didn’t flag it, so I assume I did. Yet I keep playing my guitar because it makes mee feel good when I am messing around and put something together that sounds half decent.

    Another hobby of mine that I find myself only really using when I am really struggling to process negative feelings is art. I have different sketch books full of doodles and drawings. Some are complete, some aren’t, and that is ok to me. I am not drawing in an attempt to make a living as an artist, I draw because sometimes I am not sure exactly what I am feeling. When I start drawing and let things just kind of flow out of me, I begin to notice where my mind is. At that point I can stop and journal about where my thoughts and feelings truly are to fully process them.

    There are various hobbies that I dabble in, and I think everyone should have multiple. I am always trying new hobbies because it allows me to feel more in control of my life. It is almost like my way of reminding myself that we have the ability to be new every day, and every day you can choose to do something different.

    Nature

    The warmth of the sunshine on my skin, the freshness of the air in my nose, the sounds of the birds in my ears, I love being outside. No, just going outside isn’t going to make your negative feelings go away. I found out that when I go outside in a bad mood the sun is just too hot, something smells bad, and those birds just need to shut up and quit being so happy. I need to go outside with the mindset that I am going to find the good. I remind myself that it is a good thing the sun is shining, I wouldn’t want to be walking in the rain. It doesn’t smell bad all the time; it’s just a temporary smell right now because that old beat-up truck just passed by. The birds are happy because they are free just like me.

    Getting outside and going for a walk has been recommended by everyone from ancient philosophers to modern doctors, and I am here to recommend it as well. I find getting outside and walking around with no other intention than merely observing the world around me. I look at the plants, I watch the animals, I check for signs that animals were there, I watch the cars, I pay attention to the direction the wind is coming from, what the sky looks like. It is ok to still be a kid at heart and pick up rocks to just say wow this is a cool looking rock before dropping it back on the ground.

    These are the coping skills that are at the top of my list if someone asks me what I do. There are so many different ways to deal with negative emotions, and I personally believe that even if one doesn’t seem to work for you right away try it a few times. Find out about different ways of doing something, and experiment. We are the only ones who can find what works for us, there is no magic coping skill that works for everyone. Sometimes all it takes is having a different person explain how to use a coping skill. Also, much like medications, sometimes it isn’t just one type of coping skill that we need, sometimes we need to find ourselves a little coping skill cocktail. I hope that this helps and thank you for reading until the end!

  • Lonely

    Darkness creeping in, hiding in my room

    The moon here never shines, there is always gloom

    I sit with monsters who consume all that is gold

    They consume every happy thought, every sweet thing said

    These aren’t the monsters you think, they are not under my bed

    These are the monsters creeping deep in my head

    Turning off the light that shines so bright, deadening my eyes

    Dark like the night, fighting, and struggling

    I demand to know the name of these monsters

    These monsters are me, created by my own mind

    Eating me from the inside, I am exhausted from this fight

    Am I destine to suffer forever, where is the end of this plight

  • Demented and Damned

    Picture this, a story so excellent, so bizarre, so full of fantasy and wonderment that page by page as you read, you immediately retain what has just happened. This story has everything! Struggles that make you really identify with the main character. A love story that at points brings tears out from their hiding spot in the corner of your eye, to being front and center perched on your lower eye lids. The tears staying perfectly in place as your eyes race from word to word, your mind processing and imagining each scene faster than blue fin tuna snatching bait fish from the sea. From my experience in life, I have learned that there are many different reasons why people love a story. Some love it for the story itself, they will say it’s because of the lessons it teaches or maybe because the story inspires them to push forth. I have even heard of people saying they like a story because of the way the authors words paint every aspect of the scenes the words are depicting. For myself, I often find most enjoyment from the characters.

    The fact that I enjoy characters most, brings me to my top reason this was the greatest thing I have ever written; it is the main character! Look, whatever qualities a person could want in someone, the main character has them! They are strong, intelligent, tenacious, caring, loving, empathetic, and most importantly virtuous. You want to talk about someone getting into wild situations while merely trying to do what is right? That’s our main character! For example, he was walking down a dark forested path when he noticed, through the trees light from a fire. He cautiously approached it, then as he got closer, he saw the fire in the center of a clearing. Creeping closer and closer he finds the fire surrounded by people wearing robes and chanting in a language he had never heard before. Scanning across the opening, carefully studying the ones encircling the fire. Then he notices, locked in a makeshift cage at the edge of the light across the clearing, what appears to be a fair maiden in (what he thinks) desperate need of help. After some more reconnaissance work, our mighty main character decides on a plan and executes it. After the battle has been waged and our lone hero the main character is left covered in the blood of his foes do we find that the fair maiden in the cage is actually a Gorgon. But because our main character so heroically rescued this Gorgon, she demands that he allows her to join him as his companion. Page after page you are left wondering what is going to happen next. With each word you read you start to feel like you are really there, standing alongside our courageous hero and his band of ragged renegades. One page its monsters on the high seas in a ship beaten by gale force winds. Everyone on the ship, our main character included, are exhausted, hungry, and thirsting for a drop of precious water. After hours of fighting, fighting off monsters, fighting off the sea, and fighting off the desire to just give up will leave any person longing for a drink of cool clean water. Yet by the next page the storms have calmed, the monsters returned to their peaceful existence deep beneath the waves, happily cradled by the eternal darkness of the deep ocean. Our main character and the others on the ship have been able to eat their fill of hacked off sea monster tentacle chunks. At this point in the story when we start to get properly introduced to the other characters and find out what brings them all together.
    Would you believe me if I was to tell you that the way our characters were all brought together was the number two reason why this is the best thing I have ever written? They all came together in a manner that was wrote in such a way that it has you thinking how there must have been divine intervention. It leaves you wanting to know more, more about the details of their lives, their looks, their attitudes, and their hopes for the future. Throughout the writing piece you learn more and more about each of the characters. For example, the Gorgon our hero rescued is named Anne. We find out that Anne was captured by the people in robes because they had mistaken her for Medusa. As Anne and our main character go along on their travels, she tells him all about how horrible it is to be constantly mistaken for the famous Medusa. Along hard journeys, as all of our characters fight, bleed, and hunt, they most importantly begin to open up with each other about their pasts. We learn how all of our characters connected to our main character, the effects this connection has caused, and what is to come of their futures makes this something I just want to keep reading over and over. Our main character quickly becomes the glue that holds everyone together. Telling tales and becoming closer after every storm they weather together, closer after every battle they successfully come out of, and even closer after months of being in tight proximity with each other they develop a bond like family. Like an expert seamster I sewed a tapestry of the characters histories. Each and every one of them connected by nearly meaningless circumstances yet brought together on what turns out to be a grand odyssey. While you find out how everyone is connected, where they all have crossed paths with each other, and where they are going, you are left wondering why the main character is there. It is not until the very end that you find out the key piece of information needed to tie it all together and understand what is actually going on. What we find out is that our main character, the hero of the whole story, the mortar between the bricks, is alone locked in a dark damp dungeon deep under a massive gray stone castle. The other characters that joined him along the way? Merely the rats and roaches that crawled around his feet and over the chains around his ankles and wrists.

    That is why this is the best piece I have ever written. This piece took a lot of imagination, you see this is only my second semester of college, before that the last time I was in a classroom was twenty years ago. I cannot remember anything I have ever wrote, nor have I ever attempted to write anything of warrant outside of the educational system. So, I just did what I thought was a good idea. I hope it was an enjoyable read.

    This is something I wrote for my college composition class; the prompt was to write about something we previously wrote that we are most proud of and why we are most proud of it.

  • What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?

    For myself I believe that the biggest challenge most of us will face over the next six months is the same. The biggest challenge is to stick to the changes that we wish to make in life. For me, I always can dream big and think of different places in the world I would like to be. Yet I still find myself mindlessly scrolling through social media or YouTube videos. Not doing anything to achieve these dreams. Just wasting my time watching other people pursue their dreams and tell me how to pursue my own. While it is often important, in my own opinion, to find inspiration and input from people who have traveled the road you are wanting to travel. But you can’t allow the search for answers consume all of the time you have to chase this dream of yours. One thing I have found in life is that sometimes the best thing you can do is throw caution to the wind and jump into something feet first. Just go out on a limb and pursue your crazy dream when it first comes to mind.

    Now I am in no way, shape, or form advocating for you to blindly quit your job and chase your dream of being an underwater basket weaver. What I am saying is once you develop the dream take some time to research what all is needed for this dream to come to fruition. Then once you have a basic understanding take it another step. Start the process of making this dream reality. For instance, I have considered writing professionally multiple times throughout my life. Yet, I never took any steps towards making it a reality. I just automatically assumed that to be a writer you had to come from some kind of specific background, or that it was something you just knew you were going to be from a young age. It also didn’t help that my parents would tell me that writers actually have full time jobs. Yes, that is true, some writers do have full time jobs. But much like other professions you have to start somewhere. There are writers who still hold full time jobs no matter how successful their writing becomes because writing for them is just a hobby they are passionate about. Then you have people who want to write professionally but only get to do it as a hobby because they just aren’t very good, or they haven’t taken the risks required to get their work out there. I would like writing to become my career, I hope that my skills are good enough to gain some recognition and find an audience that enjoys it enough I can do it full time. The freedom to come and go from places as I please, the opportunity to get paid for the knowledge I have, and to have my thoughts on topics seen by the masses drives me to want to do this.

    Like most other new endeavors, it is going to take a conscious effort to make this grow into something I can be proud of. The next six months will really show how dedicated I am to this, and if this is truly something I want to do. If by the end of this six months I have lost interest it will be obvious. Now I know that at the end of six months I won’t likely be able to quit my day job and focus only on this but if there manages to be a rising trend in views coming to the site and I am continually finding things to write about then I will gladly continue to do what it is I am doing here. I hope if you have read this and would like to see more, please leave a comment or a like. Thank you, I hope you have a fantastic day! Keep chasing your dreams!